April Fool: MS Licenses Clarion For Linux; TS Goes Public

Published 1999-04-01    Printer-friendly version

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MS Buys Clarion for Linux

Pompano Beach, Florida, April 1, 1999. There's no other word for it - the past 24 hours have been pandemonium in Topspeed's Pompano Beach, Florida offices. First, Microsoft's announcement of its new MS-Linuxý enterprise operating system set the computer industry reeling and Microsoft's stock soaring to all-time highs. Then this small Florida software development firm announced that it had licensed its previously-unknown suite of Linux development tools to Bill Gates & Co, and immediately went public.

"Quite frankly, Clarion for Linux came as a surprise to me too," said Bruce Barrington, the creator of the Clarion programming language. "I was at the London development office when one of the programmers said he had something to show me. He sat down at a Linux box and started running Wizatrons! Apparently he'd done the whole project on weekends, on his own time. Luckily his employment contract gave us the intellectual property rights."

Word of the new product and the IPO spread like wildfire, amid rumors that the deal with Microsoft had made fortunes for Topspeed's investors and employees. Everyone from the office manager on up was said to have cashed out, leaving numerous vacancies. Early this morning reporters trailed Bruce Barrington to Boca Raton, where the company founder cruised the exclusive Old Floresta neighborhood in a new Mercedes, apparently looking to upgrade his posh Pompano Beach digs.

Roy Rafalco, Topspeed's outgoing President and CEO, confirmed that Clarion for Linux was in fact Microsoft's much-ballyhooed "Cool" technology. "I'd like to tell you more about it, but my Lear jet is waiting on the runway," said Rafalco. "We've got an hour to get to our private Caribbean island before they serve afternoon drinks. Seeya."

The exodus of the company brass resulted in Russ Eggen being appointed the new President and CEO. "I didn't get any shares," explained Eggen, shrugging his shoulders. "But hey, it's a job."

Team Topspeed members also got in on the action by virtue of stock options given to them just before the IPO. Lee "Hillbilly" White, organizer of the 2000 East Tennessee Clarion conference (etc) confirmed that next year's event will in fact be held in Aruba. He also said he bought himself a pair of shoes, although this is only an interim measure. "I ain't gonna need no shoes in Aruba."

Ross Santos, noticeably absent from Team Topspeed activities in recent years, apparently did not receive any TS shares but is said to have made a killing when his MS stock jumped on news of the deal.

Sources said Larry Teames, long-time third party vendor, had put in an offer for the Mark McGuire home run ball owned by his Phoenix, AZ neighbor. Although generally happy with stock prices, Teames was said to be grumbling about problems with the report writer in the Linux product.

Clarion SQL guru Andy "Cowboy" Stapleton held a brief press conference in which he turned over his entire product line to Andrew Guidroz. Several developers expressed concern over future support. Replied Stapleton: "What part of 'eat my shorts' do you not understand?" Guidroz announced that all future copies of the SQL templates would ship with five pounds of live crawfish.

Bill Gates could not be contacted for comment.

Printer-friendly version

Copyright © 1999-2008 by CoveComm Inc. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction in any form without the express written consent of CoveComm Inc., except as described in the subscription agreement, is prohibited.

Clarion Magazine ISSN 1718-9942