Elvis To Perform At ETC 2004

Published 2004-04-01    Printer-friendly version

Word has leaked out that the "late" Elvis Presley will be performing at the Edgewater Hotel in Gatlinburg, TN, during the Tuesday night reception for Lee White's etc 2004 Clarion conference.

"I'm stunned," said Lee White, conference organizer. "Not that Elvis is alive, of course - everyone knows that. Back in the early '90s he used to pull the night shift at that convenience store and gas bar in downtown Gatlinburg, the one with the old lady sleeping in the recliner. Sometimes you'd catch him whistling 'Are You Lonesome Tonight' while he was counting the cash. Nobody ever bothered him. Gatlinburg is like that. But that he'd call me up out of the blue, that was something I did not expect. Said he heard I had a good hound dog, and he wanted to know if he could help out with the conference. I asked him if he'd ever been accompanied by a string quartet."

Lee declined to give any further information, but we put our intrepid reporter, Loof Lirpa, on the trail, and through a little arm-twisting and bribery, Loof reached the rock and roll icon via telephone. The interview got off to a rocky start:

Elvis Presley: Hello?

Clarion Magazine: Hello, is that, uh, I mean, are you really, you know, that is...

EP: Yes sir, this is Elvis Presley

CM: Wow! The King of Rock and Roll himself! You don't sound dead.

EP: I don't feel dead.

CM: Of course not. Anyway, ah, your Majesty...

EP: No sir, don't call me that. I'm not a king. I'm just a country boy.

CM: I thought John Denver was the Country Boy

EP: Well...

CM: Speaking of which, do you ever, you know, see him around?

EP: John Denver? No sir. He really was in that plane.

CM: Of course, I knew that. It's just that...well, anyway, I wanted to ask you a few questions about how you agreed to sing at the ETC 2004 reception.

EP: Well, sir, actually it was that Stamos fella, what's his name?

CM: Fafalios.

EP: Right. He called me up, asked me if I could help out. I'm always happy to help out. And he told me all about Lee White and his hound dog.

CM: Stamos offered you a large fee?

EP: He asked me if there was any particular Scotch I liked to drink. Now, you know, I gave up all that stuff a long time ago. It almost killed me. But Stamos is such a nice fella I just couldn't say no. I'm happy to sing for the Clarion folks.

CM: I expect the attendees will be surprised to see you there. Do you know much about Clarion?

EP: Yes sir, I've stayed in Clarion hotels many times. In fact, they have one near Graceland. I stay there sometimes and take the tour. It's nice to see the old mansion again.

CM: But aren't you recognized?

EP: Well, I've lost some weight. Been doing that Atkins low carb diet. I eat a lot of cheeseburgers, without the bun.

CM: Right. Actually, the conference is at the Edgewater Hotel, not the Clarion hotel. Clarion's a computer programming language.

EP: Oh. Well, I'm just a country boy.

CM: Yes, sir.

EP: Nice talking to you. I got to go now, get my jump suit back from the cleaners.

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